yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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