I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
