Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
