I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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