Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
