i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
