I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
