Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Sorry my hands just texted you
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
