I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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