Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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