Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
