i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
