my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
