You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It's shark week go big or go home
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
