You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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