Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
