I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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