we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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