I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
PANTIES FOUND
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
