I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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