So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
BRING THE BAGELS
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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