the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
