let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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