During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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