She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
