I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
