No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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