yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
