I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
