I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
