Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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