thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
