we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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