you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Panties = found
Randomize
