I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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