why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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