im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
