I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I have fence marks all over my body
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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