I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
