On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Randomize
