did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
