ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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