Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
