things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
