then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
