turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Randomize
