the condom got lost in my hair
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
