The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
