I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
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