The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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