i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
