she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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