The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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