You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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