I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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