Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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