Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
