my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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