This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
