Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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