I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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