my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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