I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
