piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
