i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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