Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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